Texans Grill

Houston Texans Grille
12848 Queensbury Lane
Suite 208
Houston, TX 77024
Phone: 713-461-2002
http://texansgrille.g3restaurants.com/

Rating: h8

In our continual search for cool sports bars, Aaron and I went to Houston Texans Grille in City Centre. I have been obsessing over their deep-fried cheeseburger, deep-fried Italian hoagie, and deep-fried rib eye on their menu. I love anything prefaced by the word “fried” (although the fried butter video was pretty disturbing. Look at that butter dribbling down that kid’s chin…it looks porn-ish. I can’t help it. My mind went there. To Catch a Predator style. Kiddie sex. Ew. SICKKKKKKKKKKKK). I mean, I still want to try it, don’t get me wrong, let’s not be crazy here.

Oh god. I just almost vomited looking for that video for you guys. I hope you appreciate it.

And now I want fried butter. And I’m kind of horny. Great.

ANYway, the vibe at Texans Grille was only ok. Not very cozy or fun. And we had to watch this couple PDA for two hours. Ugh, old people sex:

She ate: I think the owners were going for a modern, clean edge vibe when they designed the space…but it kind of came off looking like an office building. There are two parts of the bar: the front with a large oval bar, and the back where it’s more of a restaurant atmosphere with tables (no booths) and big tv screens everywhere. We were seated in the back, but we asked to be moved to the bar when we saw how empty and boring the back portion was. I mean, who wants to sit at an office table to watch the playoffs? Come on.

We both got the No Label El Jefe hefeweizen:

He ate: I was disappointed by their lame beer selection. The No Label el jefe was good, but there were so few to choose from. It was weird to drink a hefeweizen in the winter, but it was good nonetheless. My second beer was a Shiner. It tasted fine but it came in a plastic cup, I assume because they ran out of glasses but this is yet another point taken away from them.

She ate: I didn’t like the beer. Too sour.

Deep fried pretzel sticks with mustard sauce. Phallic much?

He ate: Whoever put the menu together obviously knows nothing about fonts. They used Arial for goodness sakes. I mean, why not just use comic sans at that point? Weird parts of it were boxed off. I never notice menus, and I noticed this one.

The food came out all at once, which was nice because that was what we asked for. The service was fast for being packed since it was the playoffs, so that is a plus.

The pretzels with the honey mustard was quite good.  They were hot, and when you broke them in half, steam came out (cue Cleveland steamer joke). That was clutch. They were deep fried but tasted like baked, not too greasy.

She ate: The pretzels were by far the best part of the meal…although the fried part was misleading. I expected a sort of batter, and these could have tasted easily just as good baked. The mustard sauce was ok, I prefer cheese with my pretzels, but that’s just me.

He ate: The presentation of the burger was nice, although in retrospect I have no idea how you would put the lettuce and tomato inside the burger. I guess you can slice the fried burger open and reassemble it? It seemed odd to me. I think it was mainly there for garnish, which, if you’re going to go that way, kudos, restaurant. I thought it was more of a novelty food than anything else, and the fact that it’s named “our soon-to-be-famous deep fried cheeseburger” is premature. The bread tasted stale and the whole thing was a total let down.

She ate: The cheeseburger was a big let down. It was served on some wilted, not crunchy cafeteria fries. The burger itself was not very good, and believe me I was HUNGRY. That’s saying a lot. It was too greasy, even for something deep fried, and not juicy. It made me sad. If I’m going to eat 1000 calories, it better be worth it. I had a couple bites and gave up.

Wings with pomegranate bbq sauce and ranch:

He ate: I ate the crap out of the wings, but they were expensive for wings ($9 for 8 wings) and you can get better, cheaper wings at Buffalo Wild Wings. There was no bulk discount. It’s actually one cent cheaper to buy two sets of eight than one set of sixteen. That bothers me for some reason, I’m not sure why.

She ate: The wings were ok. You can get better ones at the Kroger hot foods section.

And an Asian salad (salad of my people) with ahi tuna:

He ate: Amy’s salad was ok. It was super spicy and not very interesting.

She ate: I got a salad to round off the meal. The girl at the next table got it and I had immediate food jealousy. The vegetables were nice and fresh, and I didn’t mind the spiciness like Aaron did, but the tuna was weird. It was oddly overcooked on the outside, and completely raw on the inside. I don’t mind the rawness because that’s what I expected, but the charred, stringy meat on the outside was startling.

Overall it was ok. We’ve been to a bunch of sports bars recently, and the fact that it’s far from our house (incidentally it’s on the none-busy, far even from the parking garage side of City Centre) doesn’t help it. The atmosphere was very sterile, the furniture was all wood and metal. Yard House, another sports bar in the same center, offers better food and is cozier.

tl; dr: if I’m going to a mediocre bar, the servers better be showing some boob/penis/pecs. That’s all I’m saying.

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